Lost...

I am lost...I don't know where I should be...

I grew up in another country. I live between worlds and sometimes feel lost. You may not notice, I hide it well. But often, under the surface, is a clash between the east and west, old and new. The country I live in is now my home, I think. Some days, I even contemplate buying a house here and raising my children here. And yet a part of me longs to go back to the old country, even if just for a season. My heart tugs me: there, here.

I miss the smell of rain on a dirt road. Napping on a rattan swing under a tree. The dust behind the cars, so thick you can't see where you've been. Orchids and gumamelias. A cold cement floor on a hot day. Fresh produce. Rice with every meal. Sweeping the hard-packed dirt yard clear of rocks and dust. Green mangoes dipped in bagoong.

And yet, what would I leave behind? Fresh-cut grass and the leaves in the fall. Snow and tulips. Lettuce salads. Electricity and running (and hot) water at any time. Apples hand-picked fresh from the orchard. Paved, fairly smooth roads. A Starbucks latte on a cold day. Sitting on my parents' porch and watching the trees swaying in the breeze. Watching for deer while driving home. The northern lights.

How can you compare the two? There is no right or wrong answer...and so I am lost...